Q&A with a 43 year old serial dater that is fed up with fake profiles.
Why would you walk-out on a date? It may seem rude, but I was tired of women continuing to falsify their online profiles by putting photos of themselves from 15-20 years ago. I was frustrated because I would take the time to keep my profile updated, make an effort to genuinely connect through phone conversation, schedule a date, dress-up, offer to buy them lunch or a drink, drive 45 minutes to meet up... to only find out that before our 1st date this person has lied. Some would lie about their weight, their age, and basically misrepresent what they actually looked like. How can I start a meaningful relationship or friendship, when the foundation starts with 'you lying'? And that's what makes no sense to me, 'Who do you think you are fooling? That photo is from 15 years ago.'
“Who do you think you are fooling? That photo is from 15 years ago. .”
How do you determine an online profile has potential? Guys are all about visuals... the look of a woman. While for women, a guy's appearance is typically less important. The women are interested in: men that have money, can be a good provider, are nice, and can take care of them. Initially, men are looking for someone that's hot. I don't want to waste my time pursuing someone that I'm not attracted to. And that is why it's so upsetting when online photos don't match-up in real life. So after having numerous dissatisfying encounters I decided to quit asking women out on formal dinner dates, and instead only agree to a coffee date to see what I was exactly getting.
I crafted my own 1st date technique in order to avoid further disappointment. If I make a mutual connection online, and go back-and-forth a few times through messenger, I initiate a phone call that's about 45 minutes. If we can't have a fluid conversation, there's no point in meeting. Then if that goes well, I suggest meeting for coffee like at a Starbucks. I arrive 15 minutes early and grab a drink and a table before she arrives. I prefer to find a seat in the far back or near a window, so I can survey the whole place. Being positioned to see who's coming, I am able to quickly walk-away from the date if she looks nothing like her photos. You just leave the coffee shop?
I leave. I have nothing to say to her if she's been dishonest. Is there any follow-up on either end?
No. I saw what I saw. And they do not reach out. I guess they thought that they were stood-up.
How can a person avoid this?
I'm currently in a serious relationship but if I were still dating I suggest people do a Zoom or Facetime meeting, to eliminate the chance of being "catfished". It's probably better for women too! From the safety of your own home, in 5 seconds, you can see what the person really looks like in real-time without officially meeting. Women can avoid creeps.
“You may think that I'm shallow by my emphasis on dating someone based primarily on their looks but I believe there's biological programming in men to think this way. .”
You may think that I'm shallow by my emphasis on dating someone based primarily on their looks but I believe there's biological programming in men to think this way. It's millions of years of evolution that men look for a mate that's beautiful, youthful and full of vitality. The genetic evolution of a man has an instinct to reproduce, and subconsciously or not, they seek someone that "looks good". Our society is obsessed with beauty, sex, and health.
“On the opposite end, I don't blame women who take it as a priority to date men based on their bank balance.”
On the opposite end, I don't blame women who take it as a priority to date men based on their bank balance. Many of them are taught from an early age that it's a man's job to take care of them (financially), give them children and provide support thereafter. It is what it is. About 5% of the women I dated were high-earning professionals, educated and successful, and they were forthright that they 'don't need a guy.' They fall into a category of women looking to match with someone based on their hobbies and personality. Do you think women are into looks as well?
Yes! I remember hearing on 1st dates "Oh my God, you look like your photos. In fact, you are more handsome." Women confided that they were in dating situations where men also lied about their looks (height, weight, age, etc).
What's your online dating advice? Encountering profiles with old or misleading photos is a problem for all people. Consider all those photo filters, anyone can be fooled. If you are interested in going out on a date with someone that you met online, instead of dropping $250 on dinner or driving to wherever-- First do video chat, and if there are sparks, then meet for coffee. You just don't know, so you have to screen people before wasting your time. I was duped too many times; lesson learned!
Guest Profile Paul is a Wealth Planning Financial Advisor in California. He is a car enthusiast and likes to travel. He says he has no interest in having children because he enjoys his freedom. He lives by the motto, 'Work hard. Play hard.' His biggest fear is marrying a gold digger, so he's cautiously optimistic when dating. If he's not working on the weekends, then you can find him on the boat with friends.
Blog Photo Credits: Pexels.com & Pixabay.com (Creative Commons). Contributors Disclaimer: Submissions are memoir. It reflects the author/guests present recollections of experiences over time. Some names and characteristics have been changed, some events have been compressed, and some dialogue has been recreated. Personal stories are not intended to hurt others-- the intention of this blog is to inspire and entertain.